I'm not as happy as I was before.
I'm not as happy as I thought I was, anyway.
I'm not as happy as I want to be.
I don't know why.
I'm broken, shattered.
I'd like to say that I know exactly why, but I don't.
I don't know, but I'm guessing it's my fault anyway.
Because I always mess things up for myself.
Really, I do.
Yes, even when I don't want to.
So I'm probably the reason why I'm broken.
I'm malfunctioning again, selfish, pathetic, overemotional idiot that I am, and seeing as I'm the one who caused this...well, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to fix myself.
Except, well, the people who can fix me--I think I drove them all away. Not that I wanted to. I guess that's what I always end up doing, eventually.
Because I am useless.
Yeah. I'm not worth a damn to most people, anyway. There are some who are all clingy towards me, sometimes, but that's only when they need something. I dunno; some people must think of me as a hug dispenser. I know I give hugs to almost anyone, but you've got to understand, I need my dose of hugs too.
So, I dunno. I'm wandering off topic, but that's okay since I don't have a topic anyway. Oh, wait, is it supposed to be myself?
I'm a freak, a nerd, a geek, a snob, a person with borderline personality disorder, whatever you like. I'd want to fly, but most of the time I end up crashing, so I've learned not to expect anything of myself.
Most of the time when people approach me it's only because they need something from me. And I've already typed that. Right.
I crave for affection, acceptance, security, whatever you like. I'm emotionally unstable, that's why. So, once upon a time, there were some people who genuinely cared. But I saw that I was only depressing them, that I was making their lives so much harder for them, so I thought maybe I should just distance myself from them. So I did.
And that, I suppose, was the biggest mistake of my life.
And that too, I suppose, is why I'm adrift. Drifting, drifting, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've hit a dead end, I guess. I don't see the point anymore; I lost any semblance of having a proper life ages ago.
So I suppose that's why I'm suicidal. Yes, I'm suicidal, didn't you notice?
I'm suicidal but I'm too weak and cowardly to finally get it over with.
So I content myself with self-injury, cutting myself open and pouring alcohol inside the wounds, hoping that the pain is enough to make me feel something, and also enough to numb all other overwhelming emotions.
So I wanted to pick between life and death, and I ended up choosing a little bit of both.
That sums up my life, I guess. Situated somewhere on that line between really alive, and really dead. I'm neither. I'm one of those people with pointless lives, dying souls, empty smiles.
Call me weak, call me worthless, call me whatever you like.
Chances are, I deserve it.
current mood: blankcurrent read: PostSecret blogcurrent music: Yellowcard stuffwhat the heck i'm up to right now: posting and answering a survey thingy.
Warning, don't read this if you don't want a spoiler.
Here's the chain message:
AMAZINGLY ACCURATE, FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT.
1) DON'T read ahead
2) Get a PEN and PAPER
3) WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
4) GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS! Very important for good results.
5) Scroll down ONE AT A TIME.
1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
2. BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY NUMBER YOU WANT. [DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?]
3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
4. WRITE ANYONE'S NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY) next to 4, 5, & 6.
5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
6. Finally, MAKE A WISH.
- - - - - - - - - -
HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME
1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in SPACE 2
2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7
4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4
5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR
7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3
8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7
9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND
10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE
11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER
SEND THIS TO A MINIMUM OF 10 PEOPLE WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE
STRANGE HOW IT SEEMS TO WORK.______
...On second thought, I won't tell you what I got.
followed the wind; 6:57 PM
current mood: paranoidcurrent read: nothingcurrent music: Saving Me by Nickelback what the heck i'm up to right now: posting. Obviously.
followed the wind; 7:54 PM
current mood: tired o_o Is that a mood? :/current read: some scripts.current music: some music.what the heck i'm up to right now: some things.
followed the wind; 8:49 PM
current mood: chipper ^^current read: nothing..current music: Grand Theft Autumn by Fall Out Boywhat the heck i'm up to right now: sticking dental wax onto my molar bands and cross-posting this entry in Livejournal.
followed the wind; 1:32 PM
current mood: lost. dejected. a bit envious. angry. confused.current read: A Long Way Down by Nick Hornbycurrent music: Discovering the Waterfront by Silversteinwhat the heck i'm up to right now: thinking. heh.
followed the wind; 9:36 AM
current mood: high and not-so-high. ohyeahcurrent read:Belsha's blog :Dcurrent music:Sophomore Slump by Fall Out Boywhat the heck i'm up to right now: trying to figure out who's assassinating who XD
Um. I don't know. These are mostly academic updates, so yeah XPTXV is going okay so far--I'm working on Chapter One with Yana, yay :D Quintin's our editor. Wala lang.Anyway. Yay. Didn't fail Physics LT2 ;PUm...where did that come from?Haaaai. I am sabog ngayon. Heh.We've got this game in SocSci called Assassins, where you're randomly assigned a person-target that you have to assassinate. Rules are a bit complicated (sort of), but killing people is easy: You just go, "You're dead." Ohyeah XPThere have been some nice plans so far, and alliances have been formed as well :3 (Certain people in a certain alliance have been especially nice XP) Some people have been going paranoid, and some people have tried figuring out who's killing who. I'm one of the latter, and between myself, Raymond, Inna, Ingrid, and the aforementioned alliance (who shall remain anonymously anonymous XP), we've come up with an almost-complete list of,uh, who's killing who. Heh XDUm, we also had a KQ meeting outside the Guidance Office this afternoon. HumhumhumLet'snamethetemplesO****andO****humhumhumnoonewilleverfigureitouthumhumhumXDHahaha. Told you I'm weird today. Because we have no classes tomorrow, since it's fair, I am HAPPY. Ohyeah. XD Because I am currently feeling quite murderous/angry, since there are certain reasons and stuff, I am ANGRY. >:E Because I am currently feeling sort of sad, since there are certain thoughts whirling in my head right now, I am...uh...sad :'(Ohwell.At least it's fair tomorrow, and people are coming in costume XP
followed the wind; 5:33 PM
current mood: :)current read: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salingercurrent music: Sophomore Slump by Fall Out Boy [wahaha. LSS. Kuya DR's fault XD]what the heck i'm up to right now: posting random quizzle results ;P
followed the wind; 12:18 PM
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