The West Wind.
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I'm not as happy as I was before.
I'm not as happy as I thought I was, anyway.
I'm not as happy as I want to be.

I don't know why.
I'm broken, shattered.
I'd like to say that I know exactly why, but I don't.
I don't know, but I'm guessing it's my fault anyway.

Because I always mess things up for myself.
Really, I do.
Yes, even when I don't want to.

So I'm probably the reason why I'm broken.
I'm malfunctioning again, selfish, pathetic, overemotional idiot that I am, and seeing as I'm the one who caused this...well, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to fix myself.

Except, well, the people who can fix me--I think I drove them all away. Not that I wanted to. I guess that's what I always end up doing, eventually.

Because I am useless.

Yeah. I'm not worth a damn to most people, anyway. There are some who are all clingy towards me, sometimes, but that's only when they need something. I dunno; some people must think of me as a hug dispenser. I know I give hugs to almost anyone, but you've got to understand, I need my dose of hugs too.

So, I dunno. I'm wandering off topic, but that's okay since I don't have a topic anyway. Oh, wait, is it supposed to be myself?

I'm a freak, a nerd, a geek, a snob, a person with borderline personality disorder, whatever you like. I'd want to fly, but most of the time I end up crashing, so I've learned not to expect anything of myself.

Most of the time when people approach me it's only because they need something from me. And I've already typed that. Right.

I crave for affection, acceptance, security, whatever you like. I'm emotionally unstable, that's why. So, once upon a time, there were some people who genuinely cared. But I saw that I was only depressing them, that I was making their lives so much harder for them, so I thought maybe I should just distance myself from them. So I did.

And that, I suppose, was the biggest mistake of my life.

And that too, I suppose, is why I'm adrift. Drifting, drifting, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've hit a dead end, I guess. I don't see the point anymore; I lost any semblance of having a proper life ages ago.

So I suppose that's why I'm suicidal. Yes, I'm suicidal, didn't you notice?

I'm suicidal but I'm too weak and cowardly to finally get it over with.

So I content myself with self-injury, cutting myself open and pouring alcohol inside the wounds, hoping that the pain is enough to make me feel something, and also enough to numb all other overwhelming emotions.

So I wanted to pick between life and death, and I ended up choosing a little bit of both.

That sums up my life, I guess. Situated somewhere on that line between really alive, and really dead. I'm neither. I'm one of those people with pointless lives, dying souls, empty smiles.

Call me weak, call me worthless, call me whatever you like.

Chances are, I deserve it.

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8.10.06
102!

current mood: survey-ish
current read: my Algeb notes o_o
current music: nothing (again)
what the heck i'm up to right now: re-posting something from Patticor's blog :D
[1 ] I have read a lot of books.
of course. bibliophile here, what did you expect?
[2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
erm...don't ask. it was horrible *cringe*
[3] I have been (or wanted to go to) to Canada.
Especially now that my cousin's there :D
[4] I have been (or wanted to go to) to Europe.
Italy, in particular, fascinates me XD
[5] I have watched cartoons for hours.
anime counts, eh?
[6] I have tripped UP the stairs.
...yeah.
[7] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
which is why my elbows bend that way XD
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
i want to!!!...especially the snowboard thingy. Ewan.
[8] I have played ping pong.
...and let Belsha get a bonus point at it, too XD
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
no...makes you think if there are enough whales left to watch T_T
[9] I have seen fireworks.
hahaha, yeah.
[10] I have seen a shooting star.
tried to wish on one, pero it disappeared before I could wish properly T_T I wanna see another one again XD
[11] I have seen a meteor shower.
Yep. My grandmother's balcony, around 2 or 3 or something.
[12 ] I have almost drowned.
countless times. I've got assassins in the Pisay pool XD
[13] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
Every single day of my life...? XD
[14] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
Heh. Yeah. Right now yung Spider-Man 2 OST, ewan ko kung bakit o_O Angst? XD
[ ] I have had stitches.
...
[ ] I have had frostbite.
...
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
...
[15] I have stayed up 'til 2 doing homework/projects.
An all-nighter, too. Except it was...YM, not homework o_O
[ ] I currently have a job.
[16] I have been ice skating.
Once, and only once.
[17] I have been roller blading.
fell over and got scolded for it.
[18] I have fallen flat on my face.
countless times? XD
[19] I have tripped over my own two feet.
Wahaha :)
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
...went on a murderous rampage once, though XD
[20] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
RPGs are addicting, I'm sorry :)
[ ] I have watched the Power Rangers.
[21] I attend Church regularly.
...
[22] I have played truth or dare.
...which is why I am slightly traumatized when it comes to lollipops now.
[23] I have already had my 13th birthday.
Weirdly, yeah. This year lang XD
[ ] I have already had my 18th birthday.
Ask me once I reach 3rd year college ;P
[24] I've called someone stupid.
someone...and something...and...a lot of other stuff.
[25] I've been in a verbal argument.
and instant messaging arguments...and flame wars...gusto niyo ng kopya? XD
[26] I've cried in school.
dormer with the pillows. Heh. Of course I cry.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
...
[27] I've played soccer on a team.
Goalie. Heh. At least dun okay pa ako...Tapos defender sa intrams last year, wala akong kwenta XD
[ ] I've played football on a team.
...
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
...
[ ] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[28] I've been on a track or cross country team.
Out of shape. Heh.
[29] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
Ano tawag mo sa PE namin??? XD
[30] I've bungee jumped.
Last summer ;P
[31] I've climbed a rock wall.
Fun. Heh.
[32] I've lost more than $20.
When I lost a wallet nung summer. lol.
[33] I've called myself an idiot.
Every day. :)
[34] I've called someone else an idiot.
...ahehehe. XD
[35] I've cried myself to sleep.
...
[36] I've had (or have) pets.
all dead or dying. or pregnant, if you count my uncle's dog.
[ ] I've owned a spice girls CD.
[ ] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I've owned an N*Sync CD. haha.
[ ] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD. haha. boybands rule then :P
[ ] I've mooned someone.
the heck.
[ ] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
...
[37] I've been in the newspaper.
ridiculed in one, too.
[ ] I've been on TV.
missed my chance. last summer. heh. i know i should have gone and read poetry then. >:E
[38] I've been (or wanted to go to) to Hawaii.
:)
[39] I've eaten sushi.
YEAH!
[40] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
ended up there when I was, what, 5 or 6? Hahaha.
[41] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
Yeah. of course.
[42] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
Yeah ulit XD
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
uh...what?
[ ] I've watched the 3 Stooges.
[ ] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[43] I've watched Looney Tunes.
Bugs Bunny is <3
[44] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into a locker.
no comment.
[45] I've been called a geek.
Heh. Got used to it na ;P
[46] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
Erm...na-blanko yung utak ko sa Algeb. Hehehe. XD
[47] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
Hahahaha. Yeah. Lol.
[ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[48] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
...
[49] I've written poetry.
but no one ever sees it ;P
[ ] I've been arrested.
[50] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
ehem. when you're 13, there are a heck of a lot of people older than you. >:E
[ ] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[51] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
Heh.
[52] I've had/have siblings.
...biological ones, right?
[53] I've been to a rock concert.
Heh.
[54] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[55] I've been in a play.
Heh. Theater thingy nung grade school. I think the workshops helped; I can hide a lot of stuff now. :)
[ ] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[56] I've cried in front of my friends.
I'm sorry, Belsha :(
[57] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[58] I've freaked out over a sports game.
don't ask. XD
[59] I've been (or wanted to go to) to Alaska.
...yeah. crazy as it might sound.
[60] I've been (or wanted to go to) to China.
Oh yeah! XD
[61] I've been (or wanted to go to) to Spain.
Eh di ba nasa Europe yan? ...So dapat counted na yan dun sa earlier question XD
[62] I've been (or wanted to go to) to Japan
Uy, Jazzy, Mae, Carmel, anyone want to add more stuff to the Hope List? XD
[63] I've had a fight with someone on IM.
Heh. Yeah.
[64] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
Lol, yeah.
[65] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
...
[66] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
I suppose.
[67?] I've been forgiven.
I dunno.
[68] I've screamed at a scary movie.
yep. XD
[ ] I've cried at a chick flick.
[ ] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[69] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
Oh yeah. Stuff like "I hate you!" *bang head into wall*. Heh.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[70] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
Wahahaha.
[71] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
Duh. Every single week, darnit XD
[72] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
Yeah. That spur-of-the-moment road trip thingy sa Laguna. We got lost pa XD
[ ] I've been in a car accident.
[ ] I've done drugs.
[73] I've been homesick.
For a different kind of home, but yes.
[74] I've thrown up.
bloody heck XD
[ ] I've puked on someone.
[75] I've been horseback riding.
Go Baguio XD
[ ] I've filled out more than 10 myspace/LJ surveys.
[76] I've spoken my mind in public.
Hard to believe, but yeah.
[77] I've proved someone wrong.
It didn't help much, though.
[78] I've been proven wrong by someone.
Lol. My test papers are bloody because of it XD
[79] I've broken a leg.
Soccer. Heh.
[80] I've broken an arm/fingers.
Stairs naman ngayon. Heh.
[81] I've fallen off a swing.
Feet up, head first. Lol XD
[82] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight.
I was bored. And left alone. So there.
[83] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
Hahaha.
[84] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
Left it in the caf for a whole weekend o_O And when I got it back nawala yung scientific calculator and coins sa isang pocket XD
[85] I've lost my backpack.
Lol, yeah. First grade o_O
[86] I've come close to dying.
Almost got run over. Heh. Tapos...yung other stuff. Basta.
[ ] I've seen someone die.
[87] I've known someone who has died.
Lots.
[ ] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[ ] I've done modeling.
[88] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
Lol XD Hahaha.
[89] I've taken something/someone for granted.
...
[ ] I've realized how good my life is.
[90] I've counted my blessings.
[91] I've made fun of a classmate.
ehehehe XD
[92] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
...Ookami-kun, sorry T_T
[ ] I've slapped someone in the face.
[ ] I've been skateboarding.
[93] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
Hem hem. Basta.
[94] I've lied to someone to their face.
"Of course I'm happy! Nothing's wrong with me." Top of the list. Sorry, guys.
[95] I've told little white lies.
...
[96] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
Grade school.
[97] I've fainted.
Gimme blood and I shall faint.
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is sport or not.
[98] I've pushed someone into a pool.
Walang magawa eh XD
[99] I've been pushed into a pool.
Ehehehe XD
[ ] I've mooned someone.
Di ba tinanong na yan?
[ ] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
And this one, too!
[100] I've been in the newspaper.
What's with the looping questions? XD
[101] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
Training eh. Dunno if I can do that anymore XD
[102] I swam in the ocean.
Heh. Yeah. Tapos we collected shells pa. And I found this feather-shaped shell that's currently stored at the back of my closet XD

102/158. Not bad. Hahaha. XD

followed the wind; 1:44 PM

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follow the wind.

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Miss M
Echoica




The Hollow Men
T. S. Eliot (1925)

I
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer --

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.