The West Wind

.same thing as my livejournal profile.

I'm not as happy as I was before.
I'm not as happy as I thought I was, anyway.
I'm not as happy as I want to be.

I don't know why.
I'm broken, shattered.
I'd like to say that I know exactly why, but I don't.
I don't know, but I'm guessing it's my fault anyway.

Because I always mess things up for myself.
Really, I do.
Yes, even when I don't want to.

So I'm probably the reason why I'm broken.
I'm malfunctioning again, selfish, pathetic, overemotional idiot that I am, and seeing as I'm the one who caused this...well, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to fix myself.

Except, well, the people who can fix me--I think I drove them all away. Not that I wanted to. I guess that's what I always end up doing, eventually.

Because I am useless.

Yeah. I'm not worth a damn to most people, anyway. There are some who are all clingy towards me, sometimes, but that's only when they need something. I dunno; some people must think of me as a hug dispenser. I know I give hugs to almost anyone, but you've got to understand, I need my dose of hugs too.

So, I dunno. I'm wandering off topic, but that's okay since I don't have a topic anyway. Oh, wait, is it supposed to be myself?

I'm a freak, a nerd, a geek, a snob, a person with borderline personality disorder, whatever you like. I'd want to fly, but most of the time I end up crashing, so I've learned not to expect anything of myself.

Most of the time when people approach me it's only because they need something from me. And I've already typed that. Right.

I crave for affection, acceptance, security, whatever you like. I'm emotionally unstable, that's why. So, once upon a time, there were some people who genuinely cared. But I saw that I was only depressing them, that I was making their lives so much harder for them, so I thought maybe I should just distance myself from them. So I did.

And that, I suppose, was the biggest mistake of my life.

And that too, I suppose, is why I'm adrift. Drifting, drifting, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've hit a dead end, I guess. I don't see the point anymore; I lost any semblance of having a proper life ages ago.

So I suppose that's why I'm suicidal. Yes, I'm suicidal, didn't you notice?

I'm suicidal but I'm too weak and cowardly to finally get it over with.

So I content myself with self-injury, cutting myself open and pouring alcohol inside the wounds, hoping that the pain is enough to make me feel something, and also enough to numb all other overwhelming emotions.

So I wanted to pick between life and death, and I ended up choosing a little bit of both.

That sums up my life, I guess. Situated somewhere on that line between really alive, and really dead. I'm neither. I'm one of those people with pointless lives, dying souls, empty smiles.

Call me weak, call me worthless, call me whatever you like.

Chances are, I deserve it.

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14.10.06
Avant-Garde work methods--not artwork XD

current mood: neutral. Heh.
current read: Inkspell by Cornelia Funke [yeah for Fully Booked XD]
current music: Call It Karma by Silverstein [thanks Kuya DR! :D]
what the heck i'm up to right now: trying to remember the stuff that happened today...

So today we were supposed to have a meeting, for the avant-garde project thing for Art. 10am-4pm, meeting place: Starbucks, SM North.
My day started at Starbucks. Oh yeah XD

So anyway.
Jazreel was the only person there when I arrived. Well, her mother was there, too, but then her mom left a few minutes after I joined them. So there; we were sitting at this table right outside the shop looking like two nerds or something. I guess it didn't help that I had a notebook out and all.
So, we got around to talking about random stuff, then we noticed these 2 girls walking along. She said those girls already passed the place twice or something. So it was funny, in a way, when they passed by again. And again. And again.
I swear they were lost. Really.
Anyway, nothing much really happened until Anna Mags came. Then it was hilarious XD We went inside Starbucks because Jazreel's drink was almost finished, and the guard person at the door looked like he really wanted to shoo us away na.
Anyway, Anna Mags was, like, staring up at the menu thingy plastered above the counter; she was trying to decide what to get. She'd decided on a chocolate frappucino, but when she got to the counter the person talked her into switching to a chocolate chip one.
(Um, it sounds boring here, but once I get the video from Jazreel's phone or something, you'll see what I mean XD)
Then I butted in and ordered a venti mocha frap (decaf. heh.), which was a bad move since the person remembered to ask Anna for the size or whatever she wanted her drink to be. Then she went rattling on about talls and grandes and ventis, until Anna got confused. In the end she got talked into getting a venti, too XD
So that's, what, 145+165 out of my wallet forever XP
Then when we got our drinks na, we went off to get straws. Anna thought the stirrers were the straws XDDDD It was hilarious, really.
Anna, we should take you to Starbucks more often :D
Anyway, we went outside na, and the guard person looked disappointed because he had no reason to make us go na XD
The girls passed by about three times while we were talking XD
Then Winbel and Karen (she'd slept over at Winbel's) came; Karen looked like she ran away because she was carrying a bag full of clothes XD
So anyway, we thought no one else was coming, so we went off to National Bookstore to buy some materials. 'Twas about eleven-something na at that time. On the way there we ran into Kayla, our groupmate.
Anna Mags wanted to go to the bathroom, so we made a detour and stopped by Comic Alley--it was beside the bathrooms anyway XD We raided the pins and posters, and I ended up P249 poorer because I bought this adorable Larg (xxxHOLIC, anyone? XD) plushie which I shall bring to school on MONDAY. Ha. XD
Then...we received a text from Clariza saying she was at Starbucks. We told her to meet us at the food court, then we went to National Bookstore to buy some materials. Clariza texted again, saying she was at the food court. As Anna Mags said, we were going to leave National Bookstore anyway, so she told Clariza to wait for us na lang... We left the place lugging around glue, index cards, and a one-half illustration board XDDD
When we arrived at the food court, we finally met up with Clariza, and we were still lugging around a giant illustration board XD
So we dumped our stuff at a table, then some of us went off to eat lunch.
Karen and I lined up for KFC, but the people in front of us ordered a hell of a lot of food so it took so long XD There was this girl who originally lined up behind us--she moved to the other line, and ended up leaving waaaaaaaaay before us XD
Anyway, after lunch, we decided we'd do the scratches on the board so we wouldn't have to do much. We started at 1:00pm, slashed at the board with a cutter (people were staring at us funny XD), and left the place at around, what, 1:45pm or 2pm?
Hahaha, avant-garde work ethics.
After that we went off to watch a movie. Anna Mags and Clariza were...funny XDDD (And so we jokingly pretended we didn't know them) Due to time and money constraints we ended up with My First Wedding. It was weird. Really weird. The heck.
Anyway, Kayla and Winbel left before the movie ended, and stuff.
Afterwards, we spotted some Pisay people, then we (Anna Mags, Jazreel, Karen, Clariza, me) went off to hunt for Fully Booked.
...Er, we went around the mall a few times, then we found ourselves in the Hypermarket--and we found the place. After about an hour of searching. Riiiiiight.
On the way there we sort of left Anna Mags and Clariza behind XD I think they watched the dog show thing, I don't know.
Anyway, Fully Booked was bigger than usual. As in, really bigger than usual. We roamed the shelves for a bit, I found Inkspell, we lined up at the counter, and guess what?
WE FOUND A COMPLETE BOXED SET OF CALVIN AND HOBBES COMIC BOOKS.
Around P7000, rawrg. Such times make you wish you had your mother's credit card with you XD
After that we ran into Anna Mags and Clariza again, then we went in search of a photo place, since we had somehow gotten the idea of having some photos of ourselves taken. So yeah.
Anyway, we found a place, blah blah blah, then we went off in our different directions. That is to say, we went home.
TOTAL TIME SPENT ACTUALLY DOING ART PROJECT: About 1 hour XP

My mom picked me up outside Fully Booked, and I came home to find the results of my teeth X-ray thing, with diagnosis and recommendations attached.
Good news: They might not have to pull my wisdom teeth out.
Bad news: They'll only know after I've done my time with orthodontic braces.
...My mom says she'll get a second opinion from a TMJ-specialist or something. I dunno.
Argh.
Just get me the durn braces to get it over with.

followed the wind; _{8:18 PM}

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The Hollow Men
T. S. Eliot (1925)

I
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer --

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.