.same thing as my livejournal profile.
I'm not as happy as I was before.
I'm not as happy as I thought I was, anyway.
I'm not as happy as I want to be.
I don't know why.
I'm broken, shattered.
I'd like to say that I know exactly why, but I don't.
I don't know, but I'm guessing it's my fault anyway.
Because I always mess things up for myself.
Really, I do.
Yes, even when I don't want to.
So I'm probably the reason why I'm broken.
I'm malfunctioning again, selfish, pathetic, overemotional idiot that I am, and seeing as I'm the one who caused this...well, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to fix myself.
Except, well, the people who can fix me--I think I drove them all away. Not that I wanted to. I guess that's what I always end up doing, eventually.
Because I am useless.
Yeah. I'm not worth a damn to most people, anyway. There are some who are all clingy towards me, sometimes, but that's only when they need something. I dunno; some people must think of me as a hug dispenser. I know I give hugs to almost anyone, but you've got to understand, I need my dose of hugs too.
So, I dunno. I'm wandering off topic, but that's okay since I don't have a topic anyway. Oh, wait, is it supposed to be myself?
I'm a freak, a nerd, a geek, a snob, a person with borderline personality disorder, whatever you like. I'd want to fly, but most of the time I end up crashing, so I've learned not to expect anything of myself.
Most of the time when people approach me it's only because they need something from me. And I've already typed that. Right.
I crave for affection, acceptance, security, whatever you like. I'm emotionally unstable, that's why. So, once upon a time, there were some people who genuinely cared. But I saw that I was only depressing them, that I was making their lives so much harder for them, so I thought maybe I should just distance myself from them. So I did.
And that, I suppose, was the biggest mistake of my life.
And that too, I suppose, is why I'm adrift. Drifting, drifting, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I've hit a dead end, I guess. I don't see the point anymore; I lost any semblance of having a proper life ages ago.
So I suppose that's why I'm suicidal. Yes, I'm suicidal, didn't you notice?
I'm suicidal but I'm too weak and cowardly to finally get it over with.
So I content myself with self-injury, cutting myself open and pouring alcohol inside the wounds, hoping that the pain is enough to make me feel something, and also enough to numb all other overwhelming emotions.
So I wanted to pick between life and death, and I ended up choosing a little bit of both.
That sums up my life, I guess. Situated somewhere on that line between really alive, and really dead. I'm neither. I'm one of those people with pointless lives, dying souls, empty smiles.
Call me weak, call me worthless, call me whatever you like.
Chances are, I deserve it.
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Me, Myself, and I: How I wish I could cry
current mood: guilty, depressed, empty, angsty, angry, empty. happy? everything but.
current read: A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby
current music: Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional, Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard, Give You Back by Vertical Horizon, The Night the Lights Went Out in NYC by The Ataris, This Photograph is Proof by Taking Back Sunday
what the heck i'm up to right now: not deserving to feel the way that i'm feeling.
You know those days when you feel like a complete, total wreck? When you know you shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity, when you know you shouldn't be pathetic and weak and stupid (even though you are, and you know you can't help it), when you know you shouldn't express your feelings in a thousand run-on sentences, when you know you shouldn't do all that, but you still do?
You know those days when there are a million people who are worse off than you are, who have more problems than you do, who you ought to be feeling sorry for, who you ought to be cheering up--but you don't? You don't because you're busy feeling sorry for yourself, you don't because you're busy trying to force just a few more tears out of your poor, overworked tear ducts, you don't because you're busy trying to count the overlapping cuts on your arm while you add some more.
You know those days when you just want to scream and hit yourself so hard you bleed, when you're actually so desperate and dejected as to actually try it, when you do all that and you end up feeling empty, feeling like you just want to collapse because it's too much for self-injury to handle, feeling like you just want to curl up into a little, pathetic ball, close your eyes, and die?
You know those days when you do everything in the preceding paragraph, except you're too cowardly and indecisive that you don't actually know if you want to die or not? You know those days when you're picking between life and death, and you pick a little bit of both and it's not enough for you, it's not enough for you and you don't know which one is going to complete everything?
You know those days when you just want to run, and run, and run until your heart bursts and you see nothing-but you don't have enough energy to even drag yourself off whatever it is you're leaning on?
You know those days when you want to hate the world, hate it and loathe everything in it, hate it, show you hate it, and have it hate you back? Except you're too scared that it might do just that, you're too scared that you've got too much hate for even the world to contain, you're scared that it might not be what you want (but you don't know what you want, do you?), so all that hate starts spilling over, spilling out of the little dam you put it in, spilling all over and drowning you, drowning and burning you, you, you, and nothing--nobody--else.
You know those days when you know you should pull yourself together, when you know you should smile and be happy, when you know you should try and be okay because other people will be depressed if you're not--but you just can't do anything about it?
You know those days when you wish you weren't alive but you are?
Yeah, I'm having a whole load of those days.
Here's wishing your days are a heck of a lot different.
followed the wind; 9:48 PM
